Chapter 2: Despair copyright 2015 Tiffany Bone Booksbybone

CHAPTER 2

DESPAIR

Have you ever been alone in a room full of people?

That’s what I am.

Have you ever drifted away in thought, space and time?

That’s what I’m doing

Have you ever mourned a silent, unnoticed death?

That’s what’s happening

Have you ever felt that dull, resounding ache?

That’s what hurts me

Have you ever wished for sleep so the dreams would end?

That’s what I wish

Have you ever felt that hope had lost the battle to despair?

That’s what I feel

Have you ever heard your life sung on the radio?

That’s what I hear

Have you ever been so lost you think you’ll never be found?

That’s what I think

Have you ever believed those who love you don’t reciprocate?

That’s what I believe

Have you ever cried and cried ‘till you couldn’t breathe?

That’s what I do

Have you ever realized the life you want is gone?

That’s what I realize

Have you ever dug so deep for the will to just go on?

That’s what I’m doing

Have you ever wondered how you’d live to face another day?

That’s what I wonder

Have you ever begged and prayed for God to ease the pain?

That’s what I pray

Have you ever had to face defeat at the end of the day?

That’s what I face

Have you ever known the strength to survive lies somewhere deep inside?

That’s what I know

Have you ever thought he brought you to this place to bring you through?

That’s what I think

Have you ever hoped for something better and for the faith to just be still?

That’s what I hope 

And with hope I know for sure that God will end this soon.

 

 

 

 

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LJ dashed to her parked car avoiding as many puddles as she could while squinting for visibility amidst the pummeling rain.  She couldn’t believe this weather—would it ever stop raining?  Oh good, she thought as she finally spotted her car, for a minute there she was beginning to think she had temporary Alzheimer’s.  She could have sworn she parked closer to the building than this.  It probably did seem a lot closer at 10:30 this morning when it had barely began to drizzle.  She hit the unlock button and slid into her champagne colored Lexus.  Tossing her drenched windbreaker to the floor on the passenger side she immediately turned the key so the heated seats could begin to knock the chill from her bones.  She reached into her Prada bag and retrieved her I-Phone 6.   For several moments and what seemed like a lifetime, she simply stared out the windshield into the blinding rain, contemplating her next move.  Caitlyn’s pleas played over and over in her mind “I’m fine!  Please don’t tell anyone or I’ll just die”.  Surely that fool doesn’t think I’m gonna just leave her weak ass in that clinic alone.  She ain’t never been able to take care of herself even on the best of days.  What makes her think she is so strong now that she doesn’t need anyone? Granted, she had been showing a lot more backbone since she started her affair with Jay.  One thing I can thank that S.O.B for is that he gave her the self-confidence to survive a bad situation and begin fulfilling her dreams.  It was still so hard to believe that Princess Caitlyn had actually left her fairy-tale life and started her own state of the art, unorthodox daycare slash nursing home. And she did it against all odds, with virtually no support.  Big Mamma’s House was really starting to gain popularity, so much so that after only 3 weeks, Caitlyn was preparing to advertise for additional staff to meet the adult to child ratio in her 3 to 4 year old room.  Maybe she was a little tougher than everyone gave her credit for.  Maybe…., but at any rate no one should be alone under these circumstances; LJ justified as she prepared to call TLC’s favorite “Boy Friday”, Bob.  “Promise or no promise” she said aloud “I’m calling Bob!!  She’ll thank me later”.  LJ tried to convince herself.  After all, she thought, that’s what friends are for—and why did that heffa have to do this just when her life was finally getting back on track and I’m finally about to get a life.  She would pick my honeymoon to schedule a procedure, LJ thought as she punched Bob’s number on speed dial.  Rrrrriiiinng…..rrrriiiiinnnngg…rrriiiinnng  “What is taking this boy so long to answer the phone?”  Caitlyn ain’t never had timing worth a damn—that’s why our assess always miss the beginning of a movie…I can’t even remember the last time we got to see the first part of any movie at the theatre.  That’s why I don’t….

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“Hello…hello”  Bob’s deep voice snapped her back to the present  “Bob…hey Bob!  No you aren’t dreaming….. yes it is me,  and no he hasn’t left me already!  I can see you still got jokes.  Now cut the bullshit and listen up—this is important.”

“Alright, since you’ve interrupted me at my place of business—some of us are actually working today—but I guess you didn’t think about that since you neglected to call the office so my secretary could screen yo’ ass.”  Bob loved nothing more than checking LJ whenever he got the chance.    He was, however, curious as to why she would be calling him in the middle of the day when she should be all hugged up with her new husband on the way to Barbados by now.  “What are you doing calling me anyway?”  He asked.

“First of all, if you had wanted me to be “screened” by your bimbo bitch secretary, I wouldn’t have your cell phone number.  And I know you got caller ID, so don’t even play like you weren’t glad to hear from me.”  LJ replied.  “Now, as I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted…our girl needs you.”  LJ proceeded to give Bob just enough information to let him know the situation was urgent and to get him to clear his schedule for the rest of the day.  “Just go to 615 N. Rodney Parham and wait in the parking lot until she comes out.  For Christ’s sake don’t say or do anything stupid and don’t you dare tell her I called you.”  She ended.

“Alright, so now that you’ve got my curiosity up and convinced me to cancel all my appointments, do you mind telling me where it is I’m going?”  Bob asked.  He knew it didn’t really matter cuz he would go from here to the end of the world for Caitlyn if she asked him to, and the bitch of the matter was that LJ knew it too!  The only person who didn’t seem to pick up on his feelings for Caitlyn was Caitlyn.

“You’ll know when you get there.  I’ve already said enough. And Bob…?”

“Yeah” Bob answered

“Please don’t judge her.  Just take her home and stay with her until she’s ready to talk, ok?”  LJ pleaded.

“OK, but I still don’t know what’s at 615 N. Rodney Parham.  This doesn’t make any sense; and why didn’t Caitlyn drive herself over there?”  Bob continued to try to pry LJ for additional information to help clear up the confusion.  He didn’t have the time or patience for any drama, but at the same time he knew he needed to help Caitlyn if she needed him.  He just wanted to know what to expect and be prepared for when he got there.

“Caitlyn is what’s at the corner of 615 N. Rodney Parham and the only other thing you need to know is that you need to be there when she comes out to the parking lot!  Now I’ve got to go.  Promise me you’ll handle this, you know I wouldn’t even ask if Daniel weren’t waiting for me at the airport right now…”

“A’ight, a’iht, already.  Just shut up and meet that fool at the airport before that hex wears off and he realizes what he’s done.  You know judges can make an annulment happen in the blink of an eye, so you better break —and put that Lexus to the test!  I’ll take care of whatever mess this is you and Caitlyn have created.”  Bob said before LJ got the chance to start in on another one of her long ass speeches.

“You’d better!”  LJ shouted right before she hung up on him.  Bob might be the bane of her existence, a womanizing “ho”, and a hot-headed smart ass, but one thing she knew for sure was he would take care of Caitlyn at all costs.  She breathed a sigh of relief and prayed that Caitlyn knew what she was doing.

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Traffic on the I430-I630 exchange was backed up as usual, due to the ever present construction zone. The blinding rain didn’t help the situation.  LJ maneuvered her way through the obstacle course that was the I-630 in a mad race towards Interstate 30, praying that I-440 would be clear.  Her thoughts were racing almost as fast as she was. “I can’t believe I just left her there.” , she thought out loud.  “What kind of friend would leave a friend in a time of need, no matter what the circumstances?  I mean, sure, I did just get married, and my husband is waiting at the airport, and our honeymoon has already been delayed once,…but” .. .

She was quickly jolted out of those thoughts as a familiar ringtone alerted her to Daniel’s incoming call.  “Hey baby,”  she literally sang, as she heard her husband’s deep baritone voice on the other end of the phone.  “I am almost there, I promise!”

“OK, Love Jones, sooooo..knowing you, that probably means you haven’t made it to I-440 yet, huh?”

Well, at least I know he isn’t mad at me, LJ thought.  Otherwise, he wouldn’t have referred to her as his  “Love Jones”.

“Now, baby, you know I am a Delta Priority Club member and as such am pre-screened, so it won’t take me 5 minutes to get to you once I arrive at the airport.”

“Ummm, LJ, that did not answer the question…or maybe it did.  But, at any rate, I know you are going to make it more than worth my wait once I get you over the threshold of our honeymoon suite…right Love Jones..?”  He teased.

“Why, really Judge Hopson, is that all that occupies your mind these days?”  LJ teased back.

“Well, now you know you put a brother on restriction for the last month and a half, and then after waiting all that time, you made me wait 3 more days because of the delayed flights.  The least you can do, is let me fantasize about it…Not that I’m complaining or anything…”   “LJ, LJ, are you there?”  Daniel asked in a bit of a panic, because it was not like LJ to miss an opportunity to share a smart comeback.

“Huh, oh, yeah, I’m here…must’ve been a dead spot.  What did you say, my love?  LJ quickly replied, trying to cover up for the fact that she had, once again, zoned out and returned to her thoughts of leaving Caitlin all alone in her time of need.  Oh, the guilt of it all!!

“Never mind, sweetheart, just be careful and get here as fast as you can. Love you!”

“Love you more!” LJ  replied with her trademark response.  “See you in a few,”

She pushed the mute button on the steering wheel, effectively disconnecting the call and zoomed onto I-440 and back into the agony of worrying about Caitlin.

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The airport was buzzing and even more crowded than usual, but because of her Pre-screened status, LJ was able to skip the long lines and make it to Daniel with lots of time to spare.  In no time she was staring into the eyes of the man she loved and wondering what she ever did to get so lucky.  Thankfully, Daniel had arrived early enough to get them a seat together in the overcrowded area near their departure gate. It appeared to be a full flight judging by the wall to wall people seated around them.  And it must be overbooked considering the constant request of the counter agent for passengers to give up their seats for a later flight in exchange for deals that got better as time passed.  Many of the passengers had to stand, and some were even sitting on the floor.  No doubt, they were overcrowded due to the unexpected delays caused by the torrential downpour that had threatened flooding for the last few days and grounded several flight.

Noticing that LJ appeared to be uncharacteristically preoccupied with their surroundings, Daniel gently grabbed her hand and twisted her wedding ring to get her attention.  LJ smiled and snapped out of her fog momentarily as she squeezed his hand in acknowledgement.  He leaned over and kissed the hand that he was holding while he asked her if she and Caitlin had finished their mysterious last minute errand.

“I already know you aren’t going to tell me what you guys were up to, but from the troubled look you’ve had since you arrived, I just need to know if everything is ok.”

“Yes, baby” LJ whispered as she leaned in to kiss him.  “Everything is fine, really.  I am just excited about our trip and thinking about all of the nasty things I am going to do to you.”

“Mmmmm…”  Daniel hummed.  “As good as that sounds, and you know I’m going to hold you to it, I kinda think you’re using sex as a weapon to avoid telling me why you have been so distant since you arrived.  You know everything shows on your face, so spill,”

“It’s that obvious, huh?  LJ asked.    “ummm…Just a little.”  Daniel smirked holding his index finger and thumb less than an inch apart for effect.

“Smartass!”  LJ faked being mad as she tried to smack his hand down.  Daniel jerked his hand back in the knick of time, missing LJ’s playful swat.

“Ahhhhh…You gotta be quicker than that!”  Daniel laughed imitating one of their favorite commercials.

LJ laughed in spite of herself.  “Well, at least I got a reaction and a smile.”  He stated smugly.  “Now tell daddy what’s wrong.”  He cooed.  “I’m sorry baby, I just need to snap out of it.  I’m sitting here worried about Caitlin when I should be focusing all of my attention on my wonderful husband and making sure he knows how lucky I feel to be married to him.”

“Worried?” Daniel asked.   LJ, quickly tried to recant, but once again Daniel was too quick for her and held up his hand to stop her from speaking.

“Ok, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on, but answer this one question for me—Is whatever it is a big enough concern that you are going to be preoccupied for this entire trip?”

LJ thought for a moment, forced a smile she didn’t feel and said “I promise that I will do my best to put this out of my mind and concentrate on doing nothing more than blowing your mind.  I just need to reset and get my mind on the important man in front of me. We are going to have a great time and I will deal with all of this when I return.”

Daniel looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved more than life itself and recognized the smile that didn’t quite make it to those eyes.  Instead, he saw something akin to hurt.  In that moment, he knew what he had to do.  “LJ, I know that you love me and that 3 days ago you couldn’t contain the excitement you felt anticipating our honeymoon.  But, I also know that in the last 3 days something has been troubling you and that today it is more evident than usual.”

“No, sweetheart, don’t think like that.  I am still excited about our honeymoon.  I love you and I can’t wait for us to board this plane and fly into paradise.  I just..”

“Baby, stop.”  Daniel interrupted.  “Let me finish. I know you love me and that you are still excited about our honeymoon.  That’s not what I was implying.  But, I also know that for whatever reason, you are –in your own words “worried” about Caitlyn and I can tell you need to handle whatever it is that you two have gotten into.

So here’s what’s going to happen.  I’m going to go up to that counter and take these nice people up on their offer to take a later flight.  I mean, the offers have just gotten better and better. Who are we to turn down two additional free round trip tickets to any destination? “

LJ melted.  “Oh baby, you are soooo sweet!!  But, you do realize that the next flight isn’t until tomorrow morning, don’t you?”  she cautiously asked.

“Yes, I know…One more day without the cookie.”  He teased.  “But, the good news is that I am racking up “coochie coupons” by the dozens!”

“You are so crazy!”  LJ laughed, “And that is why I love you so much.” She said, grabbing his face and kissing him long and hard, with a promise of more to come.

“Just hurry up and get out of here before I embarrass both of us with this problem you are creating”  he whispered, glancing down at the impressive erection that was becoming quite evident.

“ You know what..?” LJ began gathering up her purse and umbrella, “just for that, I am going to break my own rule and tonight it’s going DOWN! “ she teased lightly grazing the object of discussion while she kissed him once more.”

“Get a room! “ someone yelled, causing the passengers near them to burst into laughter.  Not the least bit embarrassed, LJ smacked Daniel on the ass, winked at him and sang “tonight is the night, that you make me a woman…” as she made her hasty departure.  Daniel stood still for a minute trying to recover from that lovely assault.  I hope she knows what she’s doing, he thought to himself.   And I hope she and Caitlin finish whatever it is they are up to soon.  He stared after her longingly until she was out of sight. Then the phone rang. It was her.  “Hello…?” he said anxiously, and was instantly rewarded with the best phone sex since the 1-900 sex lines.

After a trip to the men’s room to adjust himself and regain his composure, he returned to the gate area.  LJ had his body on fire with thoughts of the promises the night would hold.  His smile was a mile wide and his strut to the ticket counter was more confident than president Obama’s.  Damn, I love that woman, he thought as he made his way to the counter to give up their seats and collect their new flight vouchers.

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Bob pulled into the parking lot at 615 N. Rodney Parham, circling to try to find a parking space close to the entrance of the building.  What is this place anyway, he thought?  Where is the business sign?  All he could see was the address prominently displayed on the brick wall of the front of the building.  He decided to drive right up to the drop off area to get a better look at the words printed on the glass doors.  West Little Rock Abortion Clinic….he read.  “What the Hell???… He said out loud.  “Let me call this bitch back.  I ain’t even in the mood for no damn games today!  Done had me drop everything and drive all the way out here on this wild ass goose chase.  She knows damn good and well Caitlyn wouldn’t be caught dead at an abortion clinic…or would she?  She had been acting somewhat evasive and secretive lately.  After all, didn’t she refuse to go see Kevin Hart with him last weekend at Verizon?  That shit was foul, after spending all that money to get the front row tickets she had practically begged him for, she stood him up claiming she was sick.  But who am I to complain, he thought, as he remembered the cute little nursing student who was more than happy to express her appreciation for those tickets after the show.  He was getting excited just thinking about that… TAP! TAP! TAP! The sound of the security guard tapping his passenger side window startled him back to the present. “Sir, could you roll down your window,… sir?”  the guard asked.  “Sure officer, is there a problem?”  Bob responded thinking to himself, he better not have scratched my window with that damn flashlight.  “Yes sir, I need you to pull back into the parking lot, I can’t allow you to sit here in the doorway.” the officer stated as he pointed towards the parking area Bob had been circling earlier.  “No problem, officer, I was just waiting for a friend.”

As Bob pulled back out into the parking area, he dialed LJ’s cell.  Rrrriiiiinnngg……rrrriiinnnngg….rrriiinngg. “Pick up the damn phone…oh hello, hello”

“Hello this is LJ, you know what to do—so do it after the beep” he heard as her voice mail picked up.  As he was leaving her a message “I know you better call me and tell me what the F is going on” when his phone started beeping.  “Good!—girl, why you ain’t answer the phone the first time?”

“Well, judging from your tone, I see you found the place…” LJ said ignoring his question.

“Yeah, I found it and you might want to explain to me why I’m here before I forget I’m a gentleman and…”

“Oh shut up!”  LJ yelled into the phone loud enough that Bob almost dropped it trying to get it away from his ear.  “All you need to know is that Caitlyn needs you. Now, I am on my way, but I might not make it before she gets out.  Wait outside for her like I told you to and if you even think about telling her I called you—I’ll forget I’m a lady”.  LJ continued yelling at him as she was walking out of the airport heading to her car.

“Lady, my ass—now you need to be trying to …OH Snap!!!  Here she comes—I’ll call you later and you better damn well answer the first time—honeymoon or no honeymoon!”  He snapped as he clicked his phone off and climbed out of the parked vehicle to get Caitlyn’s attention.  She looked so sad and lost. He wasn’t quite sure what he was about to get into, but Caitlyn definitely looked as if she needed him.  She also looked like she was expecting someone; Bob thought as he raised his umbrella and headed towards her through the drenching rain.

Caitlyn looked up as Bob got to the edge of the parking lot.  The shift in the atmosphere the moment their eyes met, let him know that she saw him.  Although the tension appeared to dissipate a little, she was so distraught and forlorn that she seemed to be moving on auto pilot.  She dashed out to meet Bob with no thought to her surroundings and proceeded to get drenched in the process.  She was so conflicted at this point that she never even questioned his presence; she just began running towards him as if her life depended on it.  She threw herself into his arms as he tried to regain his momentum while balancing her and his umbrella.  He looked down at her tear drenched face, smoothed the wet tendrils of hair away from her forehead and gave her a reassuring squeeze. “ Hey…hey…It’s okay, baby, I’m here….”  Caitlyn looked up at him and opened her mouth to tell him something just as the building behind her exploded, blasting both of them backwards into a heap on the wet parking lot.  The last thing she remembered was screaming “JAAAAAY!!!” as shards of glass and concrete mixed with heavy rain pummeled her crumpled body.